Wishing on Raindrops

2011-06-12T21:10:00.002-04:00

It seems only appropriate that my year of losses is ending with the loss of my voice. I may have laryngitis, but I also feel like the things I've been needing to say are lost inside of me, never to be heard, never to be understood. The sorrows have been stewing inside me without any sign of release. And so my body has now decided that my voice is useless rendering it vulnerable to an attack by a very nasty pediatric virus.

2010-12-23T22:05:00.000-05:00

Today in clinic,
she gives me her number
Then she decides she would
like me to write down another
She opens her cell phone
and points to the name "Corazon"
I look at her
She blushes
"Su esposo?" I ask
"Si," she replies
I am moved for the rest of the day

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T08:08:00.005-04:00

I decided I would share in the festivities with some autumn in New York photos. They are decidedly not Halloween themed, but I hope you enjoy anyway.

2010-09-26T17:26:00.002-04:00

For the past week, it's come to my awareness that I need to be closer to God/spirit/the universe. I've realized that my life has lost its meaning in the midst of my pursuit of a medical degree and now the rigors of residency. It saddens me to think this way, but sometimes life feels so shallow, so self-centered, so finite and mundane. And I hate that.

Honestly, I am so anxious and stressed out most of the time. I don't have faith in positive outcomes. I am usually expecting the worst, on edge a lot of the time. I wish I had more faith. I wish I was certain of a higher presence guiding me, loving me, and holding me up.

I wish that in my work, I acted out of a higher sense of purpose, knowing that I am doing spiritual work by helping others. Right now, I don't feel that way. That also saddens me, because I wanted to become a doctor to achieve my highest purpose, which I believed was to help others. But, I don't feel this way anymore. Most of the time, I wonder why I went into medicine in the first place. I wish I had done something easier, less emotionally demanding, less stressful.

But, I want to be closer to God, for sure. In the midst of this busy life, I lament that I forget the larger picture, that something more beautiful than I realize exists.

What do you think?

2010-09-25T07:15:00.002-04:00

I returned to blogger pleasantly surprised by all the marvelous template choices. Finally! So, I hope you are enjoying my new template as much as I am. I think it is pretty appropriate for fall.

I just finished my third month of Pediatrics residency. So far, so good. I am also in the midst of board studying for the 3rd and final part of the medical licensing exams. I cannot wait to get that test done with!

Hoping all is well with you.

2009-11-01T08:40:00.003-05:00

There are days like today, when I find myself amazed by my reality. I am going to graduate this year. I'm almost a doctor. Although I have been exhausted, drained, and jaded for much of the past two years, I believe that I am accomplishing something wonderful. I've learned so many life lessons from the hospital I have been rotating at for much of the last year and a half. This place is a rough city hospital with some of the most apathetic and burnt out staff you can imagine encountering, which can make your job so frustrating when all you want to do is help a patient and yet you are met with so much resistance and ignorance. Through this hellish experience, I have learned to value the angels who do care. Believe me, I have been surprised. There were a fair share of catty nurses, but there were also nurses who took the time to guide me through putting in IV lines when my residents wanted me to put them in patients even though I'd never done it before. And then there was Ms. J and Ms. L who are the most amazing Pediatric Hematology/Oncology nurses. They are probably the best nurses I've seen in this hospital so far, which is probably why they were given such an important job. It was fantastic working with them this month, especially because they understood my frustrations. But, on Friday, when I was chatting with Ms. J, she helped me realize the beauty of going to medical school at university whose patient population is underserved. Our system is overwhelmed and for that reason, students get the opportunity to behave as physicians. And, since there is so much apathy and burn-out amongst the physicians and nurses, I was able to help my patients much more by advocating for them and cutting through the dysfunctional system to get things done for them. This was the cause of much of my stress and burn-out and loss of faith in humanity at the time, but now I am so proud of myself. I know I helped very sick underserved patients and provided them with much better care than what they otherwise would have recieved had I not been there. That is the best reward I can think of. <3

2009-09-16T20:52:00.002-04:00

"There is no way to Happiness, Happiness is the way.

There is no way to Peace, Peace is the way.

There is no way to Enlightenment, Enlightenment is the
way." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

2009-09-10T01:44:00.006-04:00

Tonight I was reading through an old blog of mine and it struck me how much I have evolved and learned over the last few years. Medical school helped me grow into a much stronger person. I forget how fragile and afraid I was. I still am in many ways. But, I have become a much braver person, because medical school challenged me to grow. For that, I am forever grateful.

2009-09-03T21:15:00.005-04:00

Thanks to being inspired by and drooling over this amazing woman's creativity for a few months now, I decided to put some work into my own blog tonight. I grabbed my camera this evening and took a walk in the park. I was determined to capture whatever I found interesting. I'm sad to say that I was too shy to snap the joyful girl that was happily running with her gorgeous white, fluffy dog. It was a beautiful moment. I wish I had one of those super long lenses, so that I could sneakily capture the scene. I was afraid that her mother would smash my face in. I mean it sort of is a bit weird for a stranger to be snapping away at your kid. And, after all, this is NYC. People are not necessarily that friendly. I really must find a way to capture people on camera without making myself look strange. It is quite difficult.

After I got home, I decided to try out picnik, which is amazing and, oh, so much fun! I am so amazed at the results. I feel like I am cheating, though!

I hate that creativity takes so much time and effort! I wish I had more time. I wish that this med school thing was over and done with. Sometimes I even wish I had never begun this arduous process. Looking back, I have no idea how I had the motivation.

I'm signing off for tonight. Have a beautiful evening. Sweet dreams.

2009-08-21T08:34:00.000-04:00

The August air is thick with humidity making it an effort to breathe.
The heat alone is so exhausting. I have so much to think about these days with residency application deadlines looming. *sigh* Planning the next stage of my life is stressful.

2008-12-15T10:21:00.002-05:00

I thought I could keep medical school from getting to me. I thought I could keep myself together. But this has been the most grueling period of time, ever. I have never been working as hard as I am now. The exhaustion has taken over my mind, my body, my spirit. And, goodness, I've felt so trapped. So damn trapped. I am a free spirit. I've never felt as though I've belonged here. My house has always been a sad one. My family life a dysfunctional, broken one. And I just long, so much, to break free from here. From school, from home, from this lonely life as I know it. And I know I shouldn't say lonely because I've been with M for over a year now and he has been the most tremendous friend. But, part of me wonders whether I rely too much on him now when I really need to rely on myself.

Burnt Out

2008-12-14T22:32:00.001-05:00

I need to make it through these last few days and I just feel so drained. There is nothing I can grasp hold of deep within to keep me going. No glory to win, no hope of acing my exam, just the same old same old need to pass and move on with my life. I am at the point of tears. I just cannot do it anymore.

2008-12-12T21:33:00.002-05:00

Exhausted.

I can't wait to sleep. Just one more week to go.

I shall buy comfy pajamas for the occassion.

2008-09-21T15:06:00.003-04:00

I'm wearing rose quartz around my neck. My heart feels so heavy. I've been hit so hard. We lost two patients this week. One of them could have been saved. One of them went into shock right in front of me. I thought she was having an allergy to the oral contrast I had given her. Oh, god, I killed her, I kept thinking. "Wake up, please just wake up," I kept begging through my round of chest compressions. After 40 minutes we stopped resuscitating. Then the family came. I didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry," I told the woman's only daughter. I asked if she needed anything, brought her a box of tissues, and basically did not know what to do with myself. And then, I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed.

I am needing to honor these losses, these women who passed, the knocks I'm being hit with. Here's to the honor of the journey bestowed upon me.

Home

2008-09-12T18:57:00.002-04:00

The days are long, exhausting. I leave home in the early morning before I have time to wonder whether the sky is gray because the sun hasn't come up yet or because it's going to be pouring rain all day long. Today is the second time this week it's happened. I find myself staring out the hospital windows dazed at the rain. The fact that there is life outside of the hospital seems so strange. And then it begins to rain and it's time to go home and I've got no umbrella. Strange that it should rain so unexpectedly...I think to myself. It's like I am off in space since rotations began at KCH this week.
But, the thought of autumn and burning earthy colored candles and drinking hot tea and getting into a warm pair of sweatpants and the soft pretty sweatshirt that M bought for me makes me so happy. I'm so happy it's autumn. I'm so very exhausted right now and I can't wait to just crawl into bed and sleep feeling the warmth of my orange tea light glowing over my skin.

2008-08-07T23:31:00.000-04:00

There are endless possibilities in this patch of rocky earth. Each stone is so different, so brilliant in its shape, size, and texture. And so, I realize there are so many possibilities in life, too. This reality of mine, which seems so very important to me at the moment, is just a product of my mind. But, I know in my heart there is a vastness, something so transcendent that I actually hope I never understand in a rational way. It gives me hope to even remember that there are other truths in this life, that my egotisical reality is not all there is. It gives me hope that for a time I will be able to find myself within the heart of something far greater than I have ever imagined.

2008-08-03T17:10:00.003-04:00

There is a path, like a wish or a dream. Something so immaterial, so serene. Something like a raindrop dancing its way across time.

A whisper of love so tender, so sublime.

Time spins eternally, sometimes so unmercifully. Sometimes I tread obligingly, sometimes I stand still barely noticing, sometimes I cling against its force with bitter tenacity.

Studying for Step 1

2008-06-11T16:45:00.003-04:00

Here I am again. Studying - again. This time it's for the first part of the Board exam. Hopefully, I will pass it and then I will be a 1/3 MD. But, it is so sunny and summery outside. And I am feeling summery. I can't sit here anymore. I feel this delusional sense of optimism - like everything is going to be okay. Like, why should I burn myself out worrying over this exam? It's just an exam and I really don't care. As long as I pass.... I just want to be in the country right now, sitting under a glorious tree, glowing with love for the world.
I feel a rush. I'm going to be a doctor. And it's going to be great!

2008-03-15T12:49:00.002-04:00

It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting here studying, working toward one big dream. I have been losing sight of that lately, but I have faith that things will come together for me in a very beautiful way.

2008-03-12T22:17:00.006-04:00

Today as I walked into school wearing my skirt and high-heeled boots, I imagined I was treading through a vast field with swings smack in the center. I just want to be alone like that for some time, just swinging up to the sky.

I saw my darling children in the pediatric unit today. They are the cutest little things on the planet. It surprises me to see what social beings we are...we need closeness on a very basic level...observing the kids made me realize that.

Had yoga class with my beloved Margherita. She always helps wring out the stress from my body and bring joy back into my heart.

2008-03-09T09:59:00.003-04:00

What can I say? It has been painstaking. I don't know if I can continue anymore. It is hard to explain, but I feel myself so drained, so damn exhausted. I keep reaching for inspiration. I keep trying to cultivate my spirituality, but time is always a factor. I am barely making it. I just want a time out. I just want to be back in the Redwood Forest. I want to put my head on the earth again. The chief warned us not to leave our souls behind us and I'm afraid I did. I just want to be left alone for a little while. I need some time to myself. Time for inspiration. Time to dance. Time for freedom. I am so afraid of getting onto the wards and being so focused on learning medicine that I forget to see the patients as human beings in need of comfort and compassion.

2008-03-01T02:02:00.000-05:00

I'm back. I need an outlet. I will post entries with pictures. I need to write. Have been feeling pulled here again. Will write again.
With Love.

Believing

2007-05-17T21:48:00.000-04:00

I have to believe that everything is going to be okay. I have to believe that so strongly in my heart that everything is going to be okay.

Remembering

2007-05-06T18:39:00.000-04:00

Beautiful soul,
I've been remembering you today. I just thought of how adorable you were when you worried about where I'd wind up going to med school. You were always so happy when I was home. You fretted that I wouldn't be next to you anymore. What I would give to hug you right now and give you a great big kiss on your cute head. I love you so much. I'm so sorry I got so busy that I couldn't be with you the way I wanted to be. I love you and I am coming to visit so soon. How I wish you were still here.

A New Day

2007-04-28T09:02:00.000-04:00

I am determined to make the most of this day. I am determined to find happiness and beauty in this glorious, bright day.
I dark night has passed. Today brings hope. Today brings promise of positivity. All is well. I am on my divine path. Love surrounds me. Release is on its way.

2007-04-27T19:39:00.000-04:00

Kissed goodbye to you, my sunshine
my beautiful, best friend for life
kissed you goodbye, my love

Two months ago I sat in his hospital room. The day was gray like today. So much the same. And I was so tired. God, I was so so tired. And my baby, he was leaving me and I couldn't even hold him. I couldn't even hold him in my arms the way I always did. I didn't even get the chance to whisper, to grasp, to hang on, to fight for the moments that were slipping through both of our hands. He was so sick, so incredibly ill. And I was spinning through the hectic life of medical school. And now he's gone. My love, my baby, my light, my best friend. He's not here with me anymore. There's a hole inside me. No one can fill it. I need someone to hold me so tight. Someone to make me feel safe again. I need...I need...I need....and I just don't know anymore. I am tired of always being with myself. Always alone. I need my soulmate now more than ever. But for now, there is only the earth to rest my head, my heart, upon.

2006-05-01T18:50:00.000-04:00

It has been difficult watching the blossoms this spring. I feel so much frustration at not being able to grasp onto the beauty, hold it in my hands, embrace it with my whole body. Some days I wouldn't even give the blooming trees more than a passing glance, because it seemed so pointless. They were going to be gone soon anyway. And yet, I wanted to sit down and watch the branches sway and see the colors of
the flowers glow brightly in the sunlight. But, I couldn't. I was either rushing, rushing, rushing or I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy the splendor. I believed it to be apathy. Perhaps it was exhaustion...the feeling that I could never grasp all of the infinite beauty in front of my eyes leading me to give up and walk by. I am usually not that way. I have always been filled with wonderment. But lately that wonderment has been waning. I feel mentally and emotionally fatigued, just completely unable to care.

But, today, I went to the lily pond and it was so gorgeous, so splendid. The sun was glinting off of the leaves (the leaves that seem to have appeared overnight) and I was mesmerized. The cherry blossoms were falling to the ground so gracefully, like fairy wings. It wasn't long before I noticed an ant crawling under the fallen blossoms. I watched it for a while and felt connected to it. I was moved by its small size in relation to the entire universe and began to feel so protective of it that I was afraid it would be stepped on by people passing by. I was so relieved at being able to care for this creature that I nearly began to cry. I wish everyone to be able to sit in that silence and beauty for all their lives.

Inspiration

2006-04-18T12:33:00.000-04:00

2006-04-10T20:43:00.000-04:00

Gathering silence
With greedy fingertips
It takes too much to speak
And there are no words
To give me breath
There is nothing here
But peace

I stand here waiting again
The directions spun
I should be lost…I think
Instead I’m listening
Like it’s the same old thing
Same old, same old thing again
I’ve left something behind
I know I did

Maybe it’s not the blossoms
That are so out of place
Against these cold, gray days
Maybe it's me

JANE WHERE ARE YOU???

2006-04-10T19:07:00.000-04:00

JANE.......

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?

I MISS YOU!!! COME BACK!

2006-04-05T19:59:00.000-04:00

Sad....

Going to drown in Mazzy Star.

Dancing into Spring

2006-03-29T15:16:00.000-05:00

Could it be that spring has finally arrived? I am so cautious to get my hopes up, just in case a blizzard comes through and spoils the blossoms that are awakening from the earth.
The wind is so much milder than the months before and spring seems to have come so suddenly. The daffodils and crocuses have already sprung up. The callary pear trees are blooming and it is so sunny out. I feel hopeful, happy.
I feel as if I am making my way through the web that I skillfully wove and I can see things more clearly than before. I can see the way I questioned and abandoned myself so freely. Having questioned my beliefs and reached the bottom and then having been pulled from a sea that was about to swallow me whole, I am at a different place. A clearer place. There is somewhere constructive to go from here. Spring always holds that promise. I'm ready to breathe everything out, stretch out of this skin grown scaly from winters of introspection, confusion and dark nights. Ready to leap forward, morph into a new being, armed with clarity and certainty.

A Metaphor For a World Undone

2006-03-22T13:45:00.000-05:00

She,
A reckless flame,
Spreading wildly
Across cityscapes
And abandoned fields;
A sphere of confusion,
And contradiction,
A wilted flower in its prime,
Lost in a maze,
Of howling wings,
A deluge of crows
Settling on the unprotected
Land of a gasping heart,
Bringing a sudden realization
that scavengers are
Omnipresent and will
Plunder all the most
Precious gems
Born so loosely,
Leaving a gaping, bleeding
Wound
In their wake.
Open, hurting
Barely having lived,
Now nearly dying.

2006-02-20T20:07:00.000-05:00

I feel betrayed by her absence....she never even said goodbye.

And I have betrayed with my heart's lies.

2005-12-23T17:45:00.000-05:00

Is there a lesson to be learned in silence, in bareness, in the winters of life?
Well, that may seem to be a silly question. There are lessons to learn in all aspects of life. But, especially in the slowing of life. Isn't it interesting that all creatures need peace? Animals must take their rest, trees cannot hold their leaves forever. Glory is neatly tucked away and we all grow a little weary.

Or do we?
I was a contradiction today in winter's embrace. I took a walk in today's gray morning. I love gray days. They are somber and perfect for contemplation. My mind was racing with thoughts of yesterday's mistakes and tomorrow's demands. But then, I looked up and noticed. The trees were bare and they were beautiful that way. They are whole and great even without their leaves. I have always admired the way tree branches sway gracefully against the night, creating such elegant silhouettes against the sky. I am absolutely in love with the Linden outside my bedroom window. She guards me. Our souls are one. Oh, as always, I digress. But, as I was saying. I noticed and it hit me. I used to be carried away in wonderment and I feel that I have let that wonderment go. I must have walked for a good couple of avenues before I looked up at the graceful poses of the branches. One tree's branches reached directly upward and it reminded me of how someone's hair would look if they had been struck by lightning. Okay, so I am slightly evil for finding that amusing...

Oh yes, back to the lessons. My mind was racing and the simplicity of winter reminded me to just stop and take the world in.

Three Little Birds

2005-12-21T12:04:00.000-05:00

Even a day filled with errands, studying, and getting organized is filled with magic.
As I sat down to write an e-mail to my Bone Lab professor about working in the lab during break, I saw three greyish-brown birds seated softly outside my window. Their bellies were soft and puffed out. It seemed like they were resting warmly even in the winter cold. I was in awe of them. They were sitting so close to me. We were just separated by my window. I don't recall ever seeing birds like those before. I wish I knew which kind they were. I just recently began to notice them hanging around my backyard.
Well, as I sat down, two of them were scared away. But the last one was so nonchalant. It just sat there looking around, not caring about me being there. Then alas, some bird called out in urgency, catching this bird's attention. And off he flew.

2005-12-17T22:54:00.000-05:00

Love was what I really needed all along. But how can it be that I never truly realized exactly how much?

2005-12-15T19:55:00.000-05:00

It never made sense
the way you'd cross your
eyes and stumble your way forward -
you silly man, silly, silly man.
Why would you blur the edges of reality
into a senseless fog of reverse creation?
I never understood your music,
but I was moved nonetheless.
Farmer man,
sowing your seeds the only way you can.
A Shaman weaving magic in thin air.
I can see the fire in your belly -
quiet man on fire.
Peaceful man, wise man
walking Earth with your hands inside your heart.
Breaking nothing, imposing on nothing.
Oh, you'll be proud sir.
Today I walked in the forest
and dipped my toes into the earth,
like a tree knowing it was home.
I was reaching my hands out to the sky,
waking, stirring far and wide.
And laughing, laughing, laughing.
Silly girl, silly, silly girl to the world.

Pathetic Attempt to Humor Self

2005-12-10T22:40:00.000-05:00

Today's most Humbling Moments:

1. Realizing I left the lab oven on for 3 days straight at 800 C and may have to face the possibility of having burned down my school. (FUCK!)
2. I almost ran a child over today. But honestly, what was he doing running into the middle of the street? I should have gotten out of the car and kicked his scrawny ass. On second thought, where the fucking fuck were his parents? I should have gotten out of the car, asked him where he lives and thrown doggy poo at his parents....

Today's Random Fact:
1. Kiwi's are really good and you can eat them without peeling off the skin by scooping the fruit out with a spoon. (Yay!)

Today's Most Regrettable Fact:
1. I have four papers due in a week. All of which I have yet to begin. (FUCK!)

Today's Conclusion:
I say FUCK too much.

2005-12-02T20:34:00.000-05:00

ColorQuiz.com Results:

Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contacts with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.

The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

2005-11-19T12:53:00.000-05:00

(photo taken from: http://pic.ty.sx.cn/jinqiu/s/autumn%20042.jpg)

It's Saturday afternoon and the day is absolutely amazing. I'm staring out the window and see yellow leaves glorifying the day with brilliance. I am so lucky to be here - to be watching this. Every year I never had the opportunity to enjoy autumn the way it deserves to be enjoyed and this year it is such a luxury. The leaves are golden and fiery. I like to think of it as a last sign of protest. This year, I will be able to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade without worrying about Calculus, Organic Chemistry, Physics, 30 page papers. No this year, it is just autumn and I. How wonderful and truly nurturing, because I needed this silence, this solace, this grace. I needed this more than I ever truly understood and finally - FINALLY - I am happy, at peace, quiet. I can breathe. I am taking one long, long, long breathe, before I dive into choppy waters once again (that is if I get accepted to medical school for next fall). If not, then I get an extra year to breathe. But, if I do get in, this is my last chance to be carefree.
I am going to try to read some memorable books. Yum.

2005-11-17T15:24:00.001-05:00

"Never give up, no matter what is going on, never give up. Too much energy is spent developing the mind instead of the heart. Be compassionate - not just to your friends - but to everyone, be compassionate. Work for peace, and I say again, never give up, no matter what is happening, no matter what is going on around you, never give up." ~Dalai Lama

Today I had a philosophy quiz. It turned out to be quite horrible, with me getting half of the questions right. Now normally, I would despair over something like this, but today I was determined not to let it interfere with my happiness. I refuse to let one quiz in philosophy dictate the way I feel about myself. Why should one quiz make me feel inadequate, unworthy, and stupid? There is more to life than that. There is more to me than just one bad grade. It is not the end of the world. I will do better next time. All is not lost. Life goes on. Let this be a test. I will not worry about the outcome of the semester and then I will see how it all turns out. Somehow, I have this notion that worrying changes the way things turn out. If I put myself through enough emotional misery, then perhaps I have willed the outcome of events to turn out better. Now, I will not worry. Whatever will be, will be.

I came home today and decided I wanted to do yoga. So, I did a few sun salutations and a few stretches and then meditated for five minutes. Afterward, the philosophy quiz seemed far far away. It no longer mattered. What matters is my inner peace and I embrace it.

I guess last week changed everything. I went to the American Medical Student Association's regional conference. To say it inspired me is an understatement. Among the most memorable speakers was a doctor who practices Ayurveda(ancient Indian medicine) and another doctor who practices Energy Medicine. As I sat there listening to their talks, I could feel myself getting emotional. I nearly began to cry. I felt as if I were home. Three years of being pre-med, of taking difficult science classes, of studying for the MCAT, of worrying, of constantly comparing myself to others. Three years of that and my soul eroded. My light, my peace all went down the toilet. I betrayed my heart by believing I was less intelligent, less talented, less significant than all the other people around me. For the life of me, I could not see anything good about myself anymore. It was the deepest low I have ever sunken to. And then last week, those healers spoke directly to my heart. The part of me I questioned, neglected and refused to see, was finally nurtured in the way I so desperately needed it. I have been awakened again. My talent is in my heart. My talent is my will to heal others and to fight for justice in the world. It has nothing to do with test grades or how intelligent I am. Intelligence is a wonderful gift to those who possess it, but it is useless if it not used to help other people. What use is a brilliant mind if it focused on personal gain? I now realize that I should have stood tall all along. I have a heart. I have a heart. I can love. I can touch other people, reach out to those who need me. I can heal with my whole being....and that is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

2005-09-30T00:21:00.000-04:00

There's a hole in my center where the aching comes and goes, comes and goes.
I sit here listening to Chopin, trying to distract myself from work. I don't want to focus, because it's too restraining and I have been restrained too much already. And I figure there is more restraint ahead....
Autumn has arrived. The night air is crisp and I love it. The last time I wrote of the autumn air was three years ago when I was just beginning college. How could I have known just how much glass and fire I would walk over. It isn't over yet, but I'm letting things come together. There is still a haze I can't see through and don't know whether I'll see my way out of. But, there are angels who have pulled me out of the violent waters I have been drowning in. So, I consider myself lucky.

2005-09-27T20:25:00.000-04:00

I wonder when I will be satisfied with myself. There always seems to be some fault or hole that needs to be filled. I am not complete and never will be. I'm still struggling to embrace what I have, but it's hard and I am trying to try.

2005-09-22T23:15:00.000-04:00

I've started to run. Well not really. I can only jog for about five minutes. Today I jogged for six. I think it's my way of physically manifesting my desire to run away from myself.....Even so, I will survive this. I must quiet my mind. I must learn to love myself for who I am or else I will meet my demise. Coflicts. Conflicts. Reaching toward love or succumbing to self-loathing. Self-loathing really amounts to loathing the whole world and I don't want to be that way. I just want to breathe and let go. Letting go.....it's something I don't know too much about. But, I can fake it until I make it. I can fake courage and confidence. I can pretend until I am that way. In a sense, I guess it's good that I am always striving to be a better person. I am always trying to reach toward such high standards. Too high almost. It makes it so easy for me to fall.

I'm comfortable writing here. I think I will stay. I like being alone and this time it has nothing to do with being hurt and running away. I just want quiet. Goodbye xanga. Hello blogger.

Caught in the Storm

2005-07-22T16:23:00.000-04:00

So here I am again. The storm has passed. I feel like being alone. I have come to confide and know that no one will ever see this. I have a home somewhere. I have a home in the rain and on the grass that grows so tall and sways with the wind. I am a child. At the same time, I am tall. I speak winter and summer at the same time. I look for meaning and find it in a turtle swimming happily around lily pads. I find joy in watching the sunlight glitter through the leaves. If I watch that scene long enough, the colors look like paint and I think of the colors I would mix to depict that moment perfectly.
I just want to dance and scream and be loud today. I WANT TO BE LOUD. I want to hear my voice. I want to know that I AM ALIVE. Oh, today. Oh, today.
There are worries, of course. There are things to get done. It is to be expected. But, there is also breath and I refuse to be brought down. I REFUSE. I want to sway today like the branches on a willow tree. I want to walk barefoot over wet stones and feel my skin being drenched by the rain. I want to see water droplets run over my skin. I want to feel my hair wet and know that the wind is blowing above me. Oh, I so want to live. I so want to live and embrace and rejoice. I want to make love to the earth. I want to pretend that I am a fairy and that I can fly. But where am I flying? And must I fly alone?

Today was bad

2004-09-27T17:45:00.000-04:00

For every step forward I take, for some reason, I always wind up 20 steps behind.

Coming Together

2004-09-26T17:20:00.000-04:00

I can feel how much I am grasping, asking, needing, wanting.....to be loved. How is it that I can see so much beauty in others sometimes? I can fall so deeply into love so very quickly. I can be mesmerized by another person so easily. But then that love is never requited and I am left in sadness and despair.

On the other end, I am seeing my purpose. I am feeling it and seeing it so clearly. It is nearing. I am journeying toward it. I pray that my whole light, my whole heart be traveling with me. I see hope that I will achieve. I see hope that my heart will open more and more and more and that I will love and heal with my whole entire being, with all the goodness I possess.

Pest Issues

2004-09-26T02:15:00.000-04:00

I keep on dreaming that there are bugs crawling all over me. It's so gross and scares the hell out of me. But, what scares me most is that I don't realize what the apparent problems are. Last night, I was trying to get a bug away from me, in the dream of course, and it bit me and I was trying desperately to get it out of my skin.

WHAT COULD IT BE????

I have to study, but all I want to do is sleep.

2004-09-23T20:41:00.000-04:00

That is my hero. He is beautiful and inspires me so much.And I really need inspiration in my life.

2004-09-23T20:02:00.000-04:00

You know when you have this really funny story to tell everyone and you keep on telling it over and over?
Yeah,
Well I don't have that today.
Yup.

2004-09-20T21:21:00.000-04:00

Sofster and Me trying out our self-photography skills.

2004-09-20T21:18:00.000-04:00

This is my favorite picture! I can't believe I finally get to post them. Nice!

Cold and Tired

2004-09-20T15:40:00.000-04:00

I'm so cold and tired. But I have to study.
And I am so disappointed I can't put my photos in here, because apparently my Mac isn't compatible...=(
That is saddening.

Thoughts

2004-09-17T18:01:00.000-04:00

I have the greatest desire to search and to gather up all that I can carry in my arms. And I have the desire to find all that I need to find to grow, to stretch, to become more...I have that desire. And I want to dance. I do. I want to dance so free. And there are the answers I seek and I am so impatient sometimes. I forget to embrace the questions.

Couldn't Care Less by The Cardigans

2004-09-10T20:56:00.000-04:00

oh, my heart can't carry much more
i'ts really really aching and sore
my heart don't care anymore
i really can't bear more

my hands don't work like before
i shiver and scrape at your door
my heart can't carry much more
but you couldn’t care less, could you?

your face don't look like before
its really not like yours anymore
your eyes don't like me no more
they quiver and they shift to the floor

my heart don't beat like before
it's never been this slow
no, my blood don't flow anymore
and you couldn’t care less, could you?

could we stop and sleep for a spell
we can turn this ditch into a well
and send that old devil back to hell
but we really don't care, do we?

baby, let's stop and sleep for a spell
we can turn this ditch into a well
and send that old devil back to hell

your back's not straight like before
you really shouldn't carry me no more
i'm much too heavy for you
i'm really quite a mess, yes,

we just don't care anymore
we're crooked and we're cut to the core
we're just not there anymore
but we really don't care, do we?

no, we couldn't care less
we couldn't care less, could we?

2004-09-10T20:37:00.000-04:00

Alone, oh, alone I am this night
How I wish, oh, I do wish
for lips to kiss
for heartbeat to listen to....
oh how I dream
oh how I reach into the dark
starry sky
Oh when?
do I ask
When?
For I am weary from waiting
and impatient for a pair of arms
to wrap themselves around my being
for a pair of eyes to look deep into my soul.

2004-09-08T22:28:00.000-04:00

A falling star
ruptures with insanity
spreading fiery light
in its wake.

Sad Girl

2004-09-06T18:13:00.000-04:00

I'm just the sad girl with tears in her eyes and a half smile. It's so lonely out here waiting for you. And yet I wait for something...anything, to make the tears and sadness melt away.

Starting Over

2004-09-05T18:41:00.000-04:00

There comes a time when one just needs to be alone. So here I am, starting over alone, finding somewhere I can grieve on my own.
These GrooveLily lyrics do a beautiful job of describing where I am.
Little Light© Milburn/Vigoda 2000
I always thought I'd set the world on fireWith my dreams as kindling, the match was my desireNow the rain won't stop And as I try to light this sodden wood I learnThis was never in the blueprintThis was never part of my planI've been struggling here foreverAnd everybody's running past me to the dry landI see all the other torchesLighting up the nightI am right here with my matches burning bright
And no one needs my little lightNo one needs my little lightNo one needs my little light
With my coat turned up, my back against the rainI will cup my hands to shield this fragile flameThere's a bonfire blazing just around the bendAnd it would be so easy to toss my match right inAll my friends are there togetherWarmth, safety and a soup canI've been struggling here foreverAnd everybody's running past me to the dry landI see all the other torchesLighting up the nightI am right here with my matches burning bright

I'll be shining like a beaconWhen the other embers are dyingI'll be flying like an eagleBurning up the skyline, or die tryingIt's a lonely mission and a solitary fightBut I will stay here with my matches burning bright
If no one needs my little lightIf no one needs my little lightIt's there for me, my little lightI'll never leave my little light